Lows.

So I've been sleeping a lot lately, which is never a good sign. I haven't been able to wake up on time; I've slept through physics twice now in a row. I am bipolar II, so I can always tell when I'm reaching hypomania or a depressive state based alone on my sleep patterns. I'm on medication that helps level me out, but for some reason, it doesn't tend to really affect my eating or sleeping patterns; just my overall presentation of mood. I used that semicolon totally inappropriately, but whatever. I'm starting to get really nervous about it. I feel like I've been in the state of hypomania for so long that I forgot how awful the depression can get. Everything seems to make me sad or angry. I was reading this book and a mildly sad moment came that I had no attachment to and I almost started to sob.

Likewise, I've been running a lot lately, but I'm a lot slower than I used to be. My breathing isn't so great,  but that's my own fault for being a fucking dumbass. I swore I would quit and I didn't so here I am.

But a friend at practice last night complimented my calf muscles, which made me so proud of myself. I have muscles that people are actually jealous of, which has never really happened before. It would be great if my stomach could look as nice as my arms and my legs, but that'll probably never happen.

I need to stop eating so much sugar because it probably isn't helping with my mood or self esteem. The bingeing episodes are really terrifying, and I had thought they would have stopped. I engaged in other behaviors last week that I haven't done in ages. I just feel like I'm back at stage one, and I'm not sure how to even tell with behaviors like mine when I'm done with them. How do I know if I'm restricting or literally just not hungry? How do I know if I'm binge eating or just bored or really hungry? I don't.

I'm also freaking out about something else, due to a drunken moment that I barely remember. So I don't know if I even should be freaking out. But I am.

I also had severe pain in my left ovary last night while I was running, and it's sensitive to the touch. I should probably get that looked at, because it wasn't a normal cramp. I normally get those under my rib cage. This was so bad I was doubled over running. I probably should have stopped running, but I'm not that intelligent.

I have Pink Rose on Friday. My dress is too big, which is lovely and all but I'm worried I'm going to look frumpy and he won't think I'm pretty. I also hope that he really is still in. He said was twice now. I just want him to look at me and say,"Wow, you look amazing." I haven't gotten that in a while. My date to Emerald Ball told me I looked very nice. I just want to feel beautiful and incredible.

I also really hope I get to compete in our home meet (which, by the way, is this Saturday at the ag quad near Hicks, Young, and East at UConn at around 9am to who knows when). Our vice president, my friend, I know wants me to feel included, but I feel like the other girls who think, and know, they're better than us, realize that they can't just leave me out and ignore the things that I am good at. I kick ass at sawing. My other friend is even feeling driven away from the team. I dunno. It's been weird lately, and I want it to be fun and about being a team and about all pushing together to be awesome. It just doesn't feel that way.

Oh well. I should get back to work now.