When you.

When you have an eating disorder, you do whatever it takes to avoid feeling those awful things called feeling. You take control over your food so that you don't have to recognize the feelings of loss and despair and hopelessness that try to overwhelm you. You are able to appear happy and be happy and just try. But eventually, the feelings start peaking through. So symptoms get worse. Maybe you start scratching to help distract yourself from feelings. Maybe you start to overexercise, so your endorphins mask what you really feel. And eventually, there's nothing left you can do. And the hopelessness gets worse.

In treatment, they try to teach you how to deal with feelings, leaving between all of the things you used to do. They teach you not to restrict, not to purge, not to scratch, to exercise moderately. But the feelings are still hard.

And then, when you're in recovery, it gets harder. You're on your own and you have to do well. And I have been so good lately. It's not even funny. But these awful feelings of loneliness and hopelessness are coming back. I honestly feel like I'm going insane; I see shit and I get panic attacks just because people are walking towards me. I try to remember it's all okay, but then it isn't. And the worst is that I can't cry.

I am now. I basically made myself because I knew I needed to. I needed to feel what I've been trying so hard not to feel, to let myself be weak and let my emotions take over.

But I'll tell you this, it isn't easy.

But I know it's worth it. Even the worst feelings are better than not feeling anything at all. I can tell you that from experience.