Panic.

Every time you look in the mirror, you can't tell if what you're seeing is a lie or the truth. It's discomforting because some days you actually think you look thin, but you can't bring yourself to believe that's true if when you think you look fat that's a lie. It's hard to tell what is reality, and it can make a person go crazy.

I looked in the mirror today and realized that I'm slimmer than I was a year ago. Significantly. And I'm going to believe it. I've also realized that I've been struggling a bit. I'm certainly not to the same level I was, say, four years ago, but I'm not doing well.

So what do I do now? I have an appointment with my therapist, Rob, a week from today. I have a list of things I need to talk about. I can't afford to get worse, especially with my thesis and graduation approaching. So what do I do? I'm trying to persevere, but there's a part of me that is okay with the fact that I am slipping.

Slip slip.

So now I'm panicking. I'm trying to recover. And clearly it isn't working. All of my positivity, all of the kind helpful words I can provide for other people. Yet I tell myself the reverse of everything.

It doesn't help that I have been so stressed out over my thesis and so scared of graduating and so angry that I can't compete at home or spring meet this spring. It doesn't help that I am so lonely and scared. I am a mess. And I don't know what to do now.