Religion.

I grew up extremely Catholic. I went every Sunday until I was eighteen. My boyfriend, an Atheist, would go with me just because he knew how important it was to me. I was a lector, I was in the choir, and I was a first grade Sunday school teacher for three years. I didn't believe in sex before marriage, although I did break that rule after eight months of deliberation. In Catholicism, like most religions, you are taught to put other people before yourself. You are taught that if you suffer on Earth, you will be rewarded in Heaven. I became an extremely selfless person. I hated hurting other people or doing anything to upset them. It was just how God wanted me to be.

I am not saying that I no longer believe in God because I do. I believe that He loves me and I will get to meet Him someday. I just cannot stand the thought that God would want anyone to suffer on Earth. People with eating disorders tend to be selfless loving people, but does God really want us to feel that miserable that we take it out on ourselves? Aren't we supposed to love ourselves because we are in God's image? Why would a loving God want us to suffer this much on Earth?

I do believe in Heaven. I believe that in Heaven, it is like Earth in that you are surrounded by the people and animals you loved on Earth. You get to meet God and Jesus and all of those people in the Bible. You learn about why you were alive and all of those great big mysteries of life. All of your suffering is gone and you are just completely and totally happy.

As a sidebar, I was off my medication for a few days. I felt hopeless, helpless, lost, alone, sad, in a daze... and I can't imagine how I used to even live like that before the medication. I know that I am a tall statuesque beautiful intelligent funny girl. I know these things. But without my medication, I feel miserable. Does God really want me to hate my life that much?

No, he doesn't. That's why I think religion is bullshit. It's nice to have that community, but a community where you aren't supposed to love yourself?

I can't stand that idea. All of the rules, everything. You should love yourself. That is what God wants from you.