Unable to breathe.

I should really be getting to bed now, as I can feel my eyelids drooping and I've been sitting here in the dark watching Sherlock on my computer for quite some time now.

I'm sick again. It's really quite frustrating. I went to work on Friday and my coworkers made me go to the doctor because they believed I was having an asthma attack. Being unable to breathe is probably one of the scariest feelings in the entire world. I've come close to death, and it still wasn't the same as feeling your own body reject natural habits. Even while writing this, I am painfully reminded of that night four years ago when I counted my heartbeats before bed and was terrified to go to sleep because there were so few of them.

So now I have an inhaler and prednisone and antibiotics. I survived my timber team meet yesterday but this whole not being able to breathe thing really put a damper in what I'm sure could have been a better gig. I felt like such a failure, not being able to breathe to chop through an entire tiny block. Just devastating, while everyone is there watching. And my chainsaw flooded... but I'm digressing and tangenting and apparently now creating words.

Anyway. I'm frustrated. My thesis is frustrating and difficult and making me feel like a failure, just like timber team has been lately, or how the fact that I have absolutely no love life at all has been. Nothing seems fun. And I can't seem to catch my breath.

I want things to be fun again. I want to enjoy things. I don't mind the rush, but I want a chance to be able to breathe and not worry about a goddamn thing. I've lived my entire life just worrying and I had a little time where I could breathe and laugh and not freak out, but I'm starting to freak out and panic about everything again.

I can't breathe.