Anxiety.

I feel so weak at this moment. I went to speak with one of my honors advisors today about my anxiety and how it is making it very difficult to complete my thesis, which I don't really even want to do. I feel weak, like I'm giving in, like I'm using my anxiety as an excuse. She kept reassuring me that no one will think less of me if I drop out, that anxiety is real, that everyone really likes me. I hope that's all true, but I still feel like I've completely caved in.

Truth is, I only did honors because I knew it would look good, because I wanted to be smart, because I wanted to accomplish something great. It was never something I anticipated, it was never something that I wanted to do. I haven't been putting my heart and soul into it so every piece of work I do feels like torture, like a complete burden, like no one matter what I do, it isn't good enough and I'm slowly completing killing my pride and self-esteem.

I don't want people to think less of me. I feel as though my supervisors think very little of me, even if they don't, like I just don't care or try, when I really really do. It just isn't me. I'm just not a researcher, I'm not this person. I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I just don't want to be a failure.

On top of this, my physics class is hard, and I haven't been putting nearly enough effort into it. I don't know.

And boys are confusing and taking over my poor little brain. By boys, I mean men, and by men, I mean one in particular.

And I'm broke. And I hate my body.

So yes, I am extremely anxiety ridden at the moment. I need something to give.