Life decisions.

Today I made a huge life decision and I'm dropping the honors program. My sister, my advisors, my supervisors, my friends... they're all supportive. I just couldn't handle it right now and everyone is trying very hard not to make me feel like a failure or a quitter. They keep telling me it's mature to realize that, at this point in my life, this isn't for me.

And then there's my mother. Who is punishing me for it. "I'm not angry. I'm not disappointed in you. I'm disappointed in general. You have to get a second job. Now we're paying for a full time semester for nothing." Just everything she said made this huge decision I made to help my mental state feel like the worst thing I could ever do.

I'm crying now. And I was so happy. She doesn't understand that I am literally not stable enough for this kind of thing. Literally just not stable enough. I am trying to do what is best for me and I am trying so hard to make myself feel like I am worthy of making this kind of decision. I am graduating in August but I still walk in May. She was mad I didn't discuss it with her or my father, but I am twenty-two years old. I am capable of this.

It just sucks. It sucks to think that my mother thinks of me as this failure, this quitter. I know she wants what is best for me and that I am throwing my life away, but I really need to think of myself here. Do I want to have this semester full of anxiety? To the point where I let ED back into my life? Because that is exactly what has been happening. It just isn't fair for her to do this me.

I can't be everything she dreamed of me to be. I can't be the perfect daughter she envisioned. It's just nothing I ever do seems to be good enough for her, and it's getting to the point where I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm sorry I'm not an honors med student who is going to make a ton of money, and I'm sorry I'm probably not going to get married or have children. I'm sorry that I'm not perfect, I am. But why can't she just appreciate that I am trying so hard to make myself into someone I want to be, and not someone that everyone else wants me to be? I need to be my own person, and that isn't me.

This is my life. My decisions. And I'm trying to make the best ones. Let me. Let me grow up. Let me do things my way for a change.

Even when I went into treatment, she yelled at me. Does she want me to let every struggle envelope me?