Welp.

I don't understand why UConn can't just have all of the places where I need signatures in one place. I just trekked all over campus to get the two signatures I needed to hand in my drop form. But, now, I have officially left the honors program. It is such a relief, but at the same time it is a huge disappointment. I'm trying to remind myself that this was not the right time in my life for such a project. It was becoming a torturous burden, and I hate that. I feel like I took the easy way out, like I gave up and gave in. I hate this feeling. Worse of all, I have three more Ws on my transcript, and I spent more of my parents' money than I needed to. It was the right thing, I hope.

Also, I'm having the spending issues again and trouble sleeping. I'm falling back into old problems. I can't seem to manage myself, and I don't know why. I don't know what to do. I may see someone at health services and hope that they can help me out, talk me through it. I'm just so scared that I'm going to grow up and be broke. Most of all, my parents are disappointed in me for that as well. No matter what I try, it looks like I don't care or I don't try. That's the worst thing.

I'm struggling with ED right now. It's a deathly pit in my stomach. I haven't exercised in ages and my stomach is going soft. I feel absolutely vulgar. I'm almost happy that I can't afford to go grocery shopping right now, which is absolutely horrible. I also engaged in self injury today, something I haven't done in so long. If I inflict pain upon myself or starve myself, I'm punishing myself for engaging in other behaviors or being such a failure of a human being.

I've taken so long to graduate. College was supposed to be fun and it was supposed to be a great experience. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy it. I learned so much about myself and made so many friends, but I also am taking way too long to graduate. I have let my parents down way too much. And I've let myself down too.

I want to be someone people can admire and I know that in a way I am. I've gone through so much, but I've still let everyone down.

I wish my parents had noticed in high school what was wrong. My sister and I were discussing how our parents are the opposite of helicopter parents. They didn't notice anything was wrong until it got really bad and then they become angry. Just angry. My father will listen and try to understand, and I appreciate and love that. I just feel like if, when I was fourteen, my parents had noticed how I ate like a bird and cried every night that maybe I could have gotten the problems worked on then, and fixed before I got older. I couldn't handle the transition without the necessary help beforehand.

No one will ever love me or want to be with me like this. Especially if I just keep letting myself give in to temptations, or come across as someone who... I don't even know the words.

I'm easy to hurt because I let myself be easy to hurt.

I wish I had stronger shields. Everything was going so well last semester. I was actually happy and I did so well in school. I don't understand what went wrong.