Boys. Again. And always.

Quickly, and ED related. Today was a struggle. The past few days I engaged in a behavior of mine that I absolutely despite and I have felt physically sick for this reason. Today, I was nauseous all day and afraid to eat due to the amount that I have been consuming. I am so scared. It's been a really stressful few days, and it bothers me that I am still letting ED take the wheel when these days happen. I'm trying really hard to remind myself that a slip-up doesn't mean I should completely fall off of the wagon. It's difficult right now when it seems as if nothing in my life is going the way I want it to go. When it seems as though my entire college experience has been one giant disastrous failure.

So. Anyway.

I am boy-illerate. I cannot read them, I cannot tell. I always assume they aren’t interested because they never do anything to prove to me that they are. And it drives me up a fucking wall.

The real kicker is that boys don’t realize how good of a girlfriend I could be. I have baggage and I can be crazy, yes, but if you are good to me, I will be so good to you. I will give you your space. I will cook for you. I will fucking do whatever you want. It’s that easy.

I’ve been really brave lately. I’ve put myself out there. I’ve made suggestions.

It’s just that I don’t want to waste my time. I’m almost twenty-three and I’m (almost) an adult. I have had my heart broken three times, and I’ve had it trampled on a bunch more. And I know that I can be difficult to read now, because of all of these times. But I try really hard.

The truth is, when I really like someone, I’m too afraid to lose them to be anything more than cryptic. Yet, I’m pretty sure when I ask someone to hang out every weekend or introduce you to my friends or ask you if you want to study, you know what I’m thinking. But maybe you’re just stupid.

Or maybe, I really am wasting my time here. So give me a fucking clue. I need to know.

And I really fucking like you. Like a lot. And I don't know why. I do know why. We get along so well. I used to tell my friends about you. And then shit went down. And you're so funny and every one of my friends love you. That is so rare, because normally I bring around a guy and everyone disapproves. You hold me, you kiss me, you joke around with me. But I have no idea at all how you feel. I see you and my heart skips a beat. I think about you and I get nervous. There is nothing about you that embarrasses me, and usually there is some weird quirk about a boy that I'm afraid for my friends to see. And you have such lovely eyes.

And I can't eat. I can't sleep. And I'm feeling sick with nerves. I know I need to ask what the fuck is going on here, but I can't, because I know the answer is nothing. I know that you'll be upset I developed feelings, but I can't help but feel that maybe you have feelings too. I know I shouldn't be afraid to ask, because if you say yes, it could be beautiful. But if you say no, it's all over, everything, maybe. Yet, if you say no, isn't it going to end eventually anyway? Or maybe not. Maybe, in all reality, you just aren't sure yet. Maybe I just want to give you space to figure it out. But what the hell bro.

I've been in this situation twice before. One time, it was different. He was going to be far away and serving our country. And I got too serious too fast and I asked him about it and he was honest. It was simple. The other time, my life was changed. He was an asshole who used me. I can't handle being used again.

Is it too soon to ask? It's been going on for a while now. I don't know... I know it's nothing.