Boys.

First, unrelated to the title, I'm feeling very gross today. I'm PMSing so I'm angry and I'm bloated and I'm hungry and I hurt all over. So I feel disgusting. Plus, I didn't have time to shower and I didn't put on makeup and I can't stop eating. So that really sucks. And I just needed my brief little vent about it.

So boys. They suck. And I feel like the rest of this entry is going to sound like a five-year-old whining but you'll just have to deal with it because I feel like a whining five-year-old today.

I just don't understand what it is that they want. It's like, if a girl doesn't put out or dress a certain way, she's a prude and to be avoided. However, if she does put out, she's a slut and automatically put in the "bang only" category. It's like, I'm sorry that I am an attractive, smart, funny girl and that's not good enough for you. I honestly don't understand it. I'm never even given the time of day simply because I'm not a super bubbly adorable girl. I'm not. Yes, I can be bubbly and adorable, but typically I'm just honest and quiet and I won't giggle at everything you have to say or touch your arm or whatever the signals are. It's just not me.

And how the hell do you know if a boy is interested in you? I feel like I get these signals and signs and then I read them and as soon as I figure them out, all the signs disappeared and it's like he immediately lost interest because I didn't do anything about it or something. Or because suddenly, I suck. Like... are there even such things as signs? I can't read them, and I can't even tell if they exist.

I've been so good lately, too. I haven't been this single since my junior year of high school. Yet, here I am, without even someone who I think I'm dating when I'm not actually dating them. I'm very single. I'm very much without another person. But it's been okay. I've been stronger this time and I've been happier and I've done wonderfully in school and had a lot of accomplishments. I can rely on myself for my own happiness, which is a huge step in my life. That doesn't mean it doesn't get lonely. That doesn't mean I don't want good morning or good night texts. This doesn't mean I don't want someone to cuddle with every now and then. This doesn't mean I don't want someone to watch my TV shows with me or talk about books with me or laugh at movies with me. That doesn't mean I don't want to cook with someone special. Like... it doesn't mean I don't want to be loved, even if I don't need to be.

I'm getting older. I want to get married in five years. But unless I meet that person now, that will never happen. I don't want to be an old mother. I don't want to be alone.

I just don't know what else I'm supposed to do at this work. I just hate caring about people. It's pointless. You always get hurt. I need to just not like boys anymore is pretty much it. I've been better at it. I just really want to find my someone.