Held Back.

I have all of these dreams, these dreams that are so different from what I used to want. I used to want to be a homebody, living in the house in which I grew up teaching music at my old high school. Then I realized I wanted to go out, maybe move to New York City or Boston. Then I realized I didn't actually want to be a music teacher, but a special education teacher... or a social worker... or a marriage and family therapist... or (and) a writer. Then I realized I wanted to get the heck out of dodge and move to California... or England. Definitely somewhere far away where I wouldn't need a car and I would have things to do and awesome things to see and just be away from it all.

I don't want to get held back. What I want more than anything, however, is to find someone to love me. I don't need that person, that much is clear. I managed a 3.91 GPA and barely any crying all semester. I ran a half marathon and I smiled and I laughed and I was happy, completely alone. But I do want that person. Whenever I like a person, I want them to like me back and to show me and to kiss me and make me feel loved. But whenever I like a person, I also think about how this could negatively affect me. What if we fall in love and I end up completely held back and unable to ever get out of here? I don't think I could handle being in Connecticut for the rest of my life.

Then again, what if I let the idea of trying to get out of here hold me back from the one? What if I meet the one but I'm too concerned with not wanting an anchor that I don't let events unfold? I don't want to miss out on true love, but how do I know which one is the real anchor?

For too long in my life, I have let things hold me back. My depressive episodes and my eating disorder were big ones. I went to a college near home when I wanted to branch out (mostly because of a boy but still), I didn't travel in England because I was depressed... there are just so many things I have missed out on because I let outside forces keep me back, and I know I just can't do that anymore.

I know I should just let events unfold, but I am so scared. I am so scared.