Bullies.

I'm reading this book "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons for my adolescence class right now, and it's making me reflect on my own past experiences with female bullying and aggression. It's providing a bit of clarity.

When I was six-years-old, a new girl came to first grade. I'm sure you can recall the feeling you got when a new student came to school. Everyone wanted to be their friend. This girl was immediately popular, and I can distinctly remember her first day when she invited everyone to play in the sandbox... everyone except for me and this boy Matt. We were both the weirdos. My best friends got to play with her, and everyone thought she was terrific. This girl tormented me for so long. In second or third grade during indoor recess, I asked my friend Mary if I could play with her. Mary said of course, but first she'd have to ask Ashleigh. Ashleigh said no, so Mary said, sorry, I couldn't play with them. It was devastating. She was always so mean to me, but no one knew. My mother learned to despise this girl. Even in seventh grade, she was passing back papers in math class, and she purposefully put mine at the bottom of the pile.

People used to tease Matt and me, and say we were in love. We were doing the play Thumbelina in class, and my friends Nick and Victoria had been cast as the prince and Thumbelina. On the bus, Nick was tormenting me, chanting, "Catherine and Matt, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G." So I retaliated, singing it back with the first girl I saw on the bus, Victoria. Nick started crying. He and the other boy who sat in my assigned seat with me isolated me, making me feel horrible. The next day, Nick and Victoria told the teacher, and I got in trouble. I didn't say they did it first. I just accepted it. I felt as though I had done wrong.

People always treated me as though I was weird. I was easy to pick on, and even my closest friends would. For example, one girl, Erin, would secretly torment me. In sixth grade, I had a birthday party but I could only invite six people. When my friend Brittany couldn't come, I invited Erin. Brittany, not thinking, told Erin how she was replacing her. Erin, the night of, told me sorry she was hanging out with Brooke instead. Later, in tenth grade, Erin and I went to the mall together. We went to different schools at this point. I had another murder mystery dinner party and I only invited my closest friends from school. Erin sent me a nasty email, saying how it was only fair that after she'd taken me shopping that I repay the favor by inviting her. Like friendship was a responsibility, a duty, a debt to be repaid. I apologized, but it was so cruel.

In tenth grade as well, we performed the musical "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown." I less than graciously accepted the role of Snoopy. Kevin and Bobby and almost everyone else tormented me for the role. I would leave rehearsal sobbing almost every night. My mother one night, in hopes of cheering me up, had bought me a cat coffee mug on her way home from work. It was so kind of her, but I couldn't stop sobbing. I felt so worthless. They both apologized later on in the year, but it didn't soften how much it had hurt me. But when I bowed at the end of the show, I got a standing ovation, and I got to bow third to last, after both of them.

I had my first boyfriend towards the end of junior year. His friends, who were mostly boys, didn't really like me at the time, but I wasn't sure why. They just didn't. Towards the end of senior year, they started convincing him not to spend time with me. They said I was manipulating him. I asked him for a ride when I felt stranded once, but they told him not to so he didn't. They all badmouthed me. Even my friend Jessica, with whom I had once been so close, began to isolate me. It happened frequently during the end of the school year, when I would be excluded from hanging out, even when Jess was invited. We went to car races one day in the summer before college and afterwards, they invited Kevin to Nick's house. Kevin asked if I could come and Nick responded, "Sorry, there's no room." I started to sob, but I didn't want him to think I was trying to keep him from them so I told him go. I sobbed my heart out that night, my mother helpless. It was the worst feeling. I was so sick of his friends excluding me and making me feel like such a parasite.

I had a very strong friendship with this girl Rachel during most of college. I thought she was fantastic; we even roomed together sophomore year. When she got mad at me, she would give me the silent treatment without telling me what was wrong or giving me the chance to apologize. But then she'd get over it and we'd be the best of friends again, but it stung so badly. During the past year, she got angry with me for a misunderstanding, when we were both twenty-one years old. She butchered me through texts and facebook messages, and even publicly insulted me, calling me a bitch on facebook and tumblr, and turning mutual friends against me. I sobbed. She knew exactly what to do. I distinctly remember her saying to me, "You're personality is even more unattractive than your looks." She's since apologized as well and we've made amends, but I can never forgive her for that.

About a year ago, another friend Jessie spread rumors about me that weren't true, turning another friend Julia against me. Even my boyfriend at the time, JP, wouldn't stick up for me, and I felt isolated. They finally told me what was wrong when I confronted them but it was as though there was no chance to apologize. It wasn't until Julia got drunk one night and had a fight with Jessie when the truth came out. Julia and I made amends, as did Jessie and I, but I just couldn't believe that someone who was supposed to be my friend would do that to me, especially during the end of our college years.

These memories will never fade. It's no surprise sometimes that I feel so worthless. Why do people, especially girls, feel the need to mentally abuse people like this? And what makes me such an easy target?