Things that make me feel pretty.

Today, I'm feeling somewhat relieved. I have gotten so much accomplished on my thesis, so I don't feel so horrible about my school achievements right now. However, I have spent $135 total on this whole Emerald Ball charade, including a dress, all my makeup, my ticket, and my date's ticket, and that's stressing me. That's too much money and I know my mother will yell at me for it. I just really want everything to be perfect and I want to feel beautiful. I feel like if I have to spend the money to have a pretty dress and nice makeup to feel lovely, then it's worth it. I'm going with a great guy from my team and I just want to relax and have fun.

I exercised yesterday but it was too cold today. I don't want a gym membership just because I really hate working out in front of people, but it's hard because I have so many friends who are obsessed with losing weight and exercising. It's hard for me to be happy for my overweight friends who work really hard and healthily at losing weight when they go down a couple pants sizes because even that is triggering. I wanted to run today so badly. I just felt so much better about myself yesterday, even just the two miles that I ran. It gets my heart pumping and my adrenaline flowing and I'm not as afraid to eat. My dad took my out to pizza last night and I was okay with it because I knew that I deserved it after working so hard.

I just wish every day wasn't such an uphill battle. It's looking in the mirror and never knowing what to expect. I wish I didn't need little tricks to feel pretty, but I have them and they work:

• Exercise
• Do my makeup elegantly
• Loose shirts with tapered bottoms and boots
• Drink my coffee
• Take pictures of myself that I like
• Do well in school

Strange. They work.