My ED.

My eating disorder is different from a lot of the people that I have encountered. I don't have anorexia (I have never been underweight). I don't have bulimia (my binges are never actually binges; they just feel like it for me). My weight fluctuates like no one's business. My eating habits and my exercise habits are always evolving. I don't know when what I'm doing is right or wrong and it's starting to drive me insane.

I wish that I didn't have EDNOS a lot of the time. It's really hard to understand and diagnose because there are no specific symptoms. I never know when I'm sick or not.

It makes me nervous on Thanksgiving because when I eat now, I eat very quickly and I eat everything in front of me. To me, it's a bad sign, but I know it looks good to everyone else. I just wish I had the "self control" I used to have to at least moderate what I eat and pace myself.

The problem is that I just keep telling myself, "I can't be fat again, I just can't, but I can't be sick again either."

We're going to Richmond to see my sister, which will be lovely. I've missed her so much and I can't wait to spend time with her, but I get so self conscious around her. She's beautiful and exceptionally thin, even though she eats and barely exercises. It just isn't fair. I get nervous enough around everyone I'm with, always comparing myself and being paranoid that they think I'm fat. But Megan is family and that makes it harder.

I don't know. I guess I'll just have to struggle through. I just wish I was done with this shit, and I wish I had an eating disorder I could pinpoint exactly. I know I'm struggling, but I don't know how to combat it.