Random.

You know when you have so many thoughts running through your head that you can't seem to separate them but you can't seem to find a correlation between them either? I feel like a ton of different streams are finally joining together into a rapid river, tossing and weaving around rocks, splashing everywhere. You can't tell which stream is which anymore but you can't seem to find any smooth water to navigate.

I feel very lost inside my own head right now. I keep thinking back to different times. One that keeps popping up in my mind, especially while reading this book, is how in elementary schools, two of my closest friends kept telling me how popular they were and how they could make me popular too, but they never did. I know for a fact one of them talked about me behind my back, but I insisted on keeping her close to me. I was a nerd, an outcast, and this girl wanted to be my friend. That wasn't something I was going to give up because she sometimes hurt my feelings.

That's how I felt through most of life so far. I was the outcast, but I was the outcast the cool kids liked. Maybe not well enough to invite to parties where they drank or anything like that, but we'd skip class together and go to Friendly's. We're still in touch, and it's just funny to look back and see how much I admired these people and, in a way, still do.

Now, my fifth year as an undergrad, I feel like one of the cool kids, even though there aren't really cool kids in college. My friends ask me to hang out and they mean it. They call me when they're upset and they text me every day. They trust me with their secrets, and I can trust them with mine. They tell me I'm the strongest person they've ever me, they compliment me, they don't make fun of me. I feel cool.

On another note, it's like if I could skinny, I could be somethign worth talking about for people. When I found out people were gossiping about me freshman year when I got really sick, a part of me was furious but another part was glad that something was visibly different and they felt it worth talking about, even if negatively. How fucked up is that, quite honestly?

I used to be exceptional. I had over a 4.0 in high school. I graduated as salutatorian, so close to being validictorian. I get to go to college for free because I worked hard to earn it. Now I have about a 3.4/3.5, a GPA I am struggling to maintain. I know, I know, it's not bad, but it's not good enough. Yet, I don't seem to have the energy or motivation to bring it up. Yet, I'm so much happier than I was when I threw myself into being the smartest girl I could be. I wish I could just have both. I don't want to have to be sick to do well in school. Either way, my future is sacrificed. I'm just so afraid of being kicked out of honors after I've already put so much work into my thesis and finding a supervisor and a topic.

Boys. Boys. Boys. Another quick transition in my thought process. I just don't really like like people. Sure, I fall in love with every boy that I meet, but I never stay fallen for them. I've only dated like five guys. I've only had two boyfriends. Now I like another boy who is fantastic, but I'm so afraid of being bold because I'm sure I'm not good enough. He talks to me and makes an effort to be in my presence. I want so badly to ask him to hang out or go on a date or take me to Emerald Ball. But I don't have the guts. In my mind, I think he finds me immature, loud, obnoxious, flabby, and too old or too tall. He's complimented me before yet I focus instead on what I imagine he thinks.

I've been left for my problems before, and I think that's why I'm afraid. Once a boy discovers out my history, he always seems to float away. Kevin was good; he stuck around for a while but eventually he couldn't be my crutch and punching board anymore. Jimmy was far away and we never officially dated at all but once I spilled my guts to him, he seemed as though he lost interest fairly quickly. Jon went through something with me and after that, we just fell apart, even though we were never officially dating and certainly not exclusive. JP, my second boyfriend, tried to be supportive but then I was just not the same strong and funny girl he thought I was when we started hanging out. Jeff and I never really started out but he saw my recovery posters on my wall one night and then seemed to lose interest and decide I was weak and he would only break my heart. I can't keep letting this happen, and it absolutely terrifies me.

It's always my imagination that takes over.