*Triggering*

I am a perfect case on Body Dismorphic Disorder. I very rarely look in the mirror and see any positive change. I could lose twenty pounds and look in the mirror and still think I look exactly the same. Then I gain one pound, and it's immediately visible in the mirror and in pictures. I could have muscles everywhere and still only notice the flab on my stomach that, instead of going away, just continues to get worse and worse. But then I do the touching thing; I'm sure you all know what the touching thing is. I touch my collar bone and my shoulders and my hips and they all feel smaller, bonier, but they certainly don't look it. So what the hell is real? If I could just see what I actually look like, wouldn't that make everything easier? Or do I see myself as smaller than I actually am? I just have on idea what I look like, and that is terrifying.